My Story
It was a normal Monday morning, but that day and events changed my life forever.
It was the day that any parent would never want to consider being real, being told by police officers that your child has died. 2 young adults were found in a car, outside my home on that morning, sadly both had died having been overcome by carbon monoxide fumes caused by a modification that was carried out on the car. My girl, having sat there talking with a friend, had just fallen asleep.
Nikki was 23, but still my baby girl, yes she could glam it up for a night out, and she could spend a day in her pjs watching Disney films and eating chocolate, she could rage on the Xbox with her brother, and shout at the TV watching football. She was the type of girl who would go shopping and come home with something for everyone, no one could ever say Nikki wasn’t generous, she even bought a bag of food for a homeless man she regularly saw sitting in our local area.
Nikki had her issues, she never saw herself as being special or good enough, but she had just changed jobs and was making new friends, she was happy. To me Nikki wasn’t just my daughter, I also worked with her for 5 years, she was my best friend, regularly going for coffee and shopping trips, we really would talk about everything, she was also the big sister, in age anyway, her brother although 18months younger was taller and always reminded her she was little, they had the usual brother sister relationship, they could scream at each other, but they would always have each others backs.
Nikki was a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, and a friend to many, she was a young girl who had her whole life ahead of her, she should have had the chance to get married, have children, travel, and make so many more memories, and it was all snatched away so quickly, so suddenly.
All I can do is try and get used to a new normal, I have to, I have my son, I have a house to manage, bills need to be paid, shopping has to be done, but every day I remember, every day I mention her name, sometimes with tears and sometimes with smiles and laughs, I try to make memories for her now too, Nikki loved the zoo, and loved giraffes, so every year, I buy Nikki her birthday present, an adoption of a giraffe at our local zoo, rather than spending the day at a graveyard or crematorium, I go to the zoo and try to enjoy the day in the same way Nikki would have done. I also collected together her favourite Harry Potter and Batman t-shirts and made them into cushions, giving them to those who were close to her, kind of a keepsake they could still hug.
I know I do not have all the answers, I still have anger and frustrations, but I would also like to try and help others in similar circumstances, and its also the attitude that Nikki would have had. Nothing I can do can ever fill the massive whole that has been left in my life, but I can share my experience, and what has worked for me, and if it helps others too then its all been done with a bit of ‘nikkishelp’ in mind. xxxx
Although this site has come about following the loss of my daughter, I have also been through other personal losses in my life, I have lost parents, grandparents, and had a miscarriage, all be it through different circumstances, I have experienced grief on many levels.
Although I did not have access to this pack at the time of loosing Nikki, there is a lot of information that could’ve helped, and although you may think you do not need help or are coping, you need to be kind to yourself, as undealt with grief can come back in many forms later on and may cause health problems, I personally went through a period of counselling, which helped massively, so much so that I have now completed 2 courses to help others deal with grief and bereavement.